Hungry Heart

Wandering happens.  People find that what once satisfied, no longer does.  Marriages have broken up, families have been fractured, jobs have been left because of it, hobbies lay in corners of basements or garages all over this country because of it.  We get bored and our eyes begin to look for the next biggest, baddest, best option.

When The First Wives' Club started, the divorcees had all experienced a cheating spouse.  A spouse who found "happiness" in the arms of another (younger) woman.  The spark of attraction that originally came from the first wife was replaced with bland familiarity, boredom and predictability.  Of course what follows is hilarity, a song and dance number and domestic earnings of over $100 million (and counting).  In the movies, this is an "of course"; in our real lives, the song and dance is not usually found.

The struggle to find connection pulls at the heart of any relationship, whether person to person or person to purpose.  Brokenness and disconnect make other options seem more appealing.  There is a longing for something so much more than what someone is living.  And knowing this is a tendency for many of us, what do we do about it?  If we serve in a position of influence, however small, what kind of difference can we make?

A job becomes stale and predictable, just as a relationship does, when there is no encouragement towards or opportunity for creativity.  The imaginative spark has been studied for decades, particularly in its symbiotic nature with organizational change.  Creativity pushes boundaries and considers what might be.  Think about how your organization would benefit from such a posture.  Wouldn't the organization change as a result?  Perhaps it's the development of a new product or process.  Perhaps the method of delivery is improved or completely made over.  In some measurable way, the creative outlets for staff will drive organizational change.

Think about the correlation to relationships.  Wouldn't approaching a date with enthusiastic creativity likely make the date memorable?  If it's just dinner, again, where is the imagination?  So many of my friends do "date night" once a month with their spouses.  It's often just dinner.  Yawn.  It's no wonder that the time that's meant for connection becomes time spent looking at your iPhone to see what time it is.  Oh, when do we have to leave to get the kids?  

Stagnant relationships at work function in the same manner.  How do your staff relate to what their doing?  Do they own it?  Do they have an opportunity to enlarge their roles?  Bring your team together to see how this can happen.  Collaboration, also, fights against the restlessness of the role.  Working together and corporately setting goals for engagement and impact take the wandering eye off of what might be and focus it on what is and will be.  High functioning teams are not buzzworthy for the latest SHRM Conference; they have merit because the stats back it up.  Sales training, like Sandler, spend a full day on these merits and outcomes.  Jacob Morgan wrote a killer article on collaboration in Forbes a few years ago where he points out the heightened functionality that collaboration gives to the individual contributor, even when there are team or corporate benefits as well.  

An individual who is creative and collaborative has too much going on to wander.  He/She sees a place for contribution, impact and recognition.  The temptress walking by (whether a job posting, a call surveying interest to jump ship, etc.) isn't as appealing.  A deep connection to the work being done at the organization will keep people there.  The retention rate moves up, knowledge management can actually happen and succession planning becomes succession actuality.  The hunger for more is met with real opportunity from and with the same company.

As people who get to encourage our teams, it's important that we remember our relationships need vibrancy.  Our connection to the work, to the mission, to purpose have to be encouraged and kept fresh.  The lax that leads to a wandering heart will cost our companies money and time and resources.  Our staff will not be firing on all cylinders.  Stir the fire of creativity and spark collaboration.  And you'll satisfy the hunger.

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

Disappointment is a tough emotion.  There isn’t a way to avoid it.  If you’re going to work for a living, attend school or have any kind of relationship, then disappointment will come. 

I recently saw a story about a boy, Walker, who broke his arm and was in the hospital to address the situation.  When Walker awoke, he saw that he broke a bone.  Instead of dread and disappointment, Walker couldn’t get over his excitement in having a cast.  He began to ask everyone in the room if they’d seen his cast.  He was elated in the difficulty (okay,, the drugs helped, but...).  How much is Walker teaching us about approaching annoyance, inconvenience, frustration?

In human resources, we’re asked to deal with many annoyances.  We are to point others to a better (not bitter) way of handling emotion and its impact on work.  This isn’t to belittle the true feelings that someone may have, but rather to enable a healthy perspective.  The disappointment felt can be crippling to some.  We can draw on our own experiences to help guide others.

When a new problem enters my life, do I ask others in pure joy if they see this opportunity given to me, as Walker did with his arm?  Do I present it as a privilege?  This isn’t about positive self-help crappola (that’s Italian for “crap”).  It’s about dealing with two realities – people and opportunities to grow.

Growth is easier.  Think about the disappointments that you’ve experienced in life – lost jobs, bad relationships, financial struggle, even death.  What did you learn from each of those experiences?  While I don’t wish any of those situations on anyone, I am sure that there was an opportunity to grow in action, consideration and relationship. 

A proactive approach to an unwelcome reality takes discipline and effort.  I can choose not to learn anything from the situation in front of me.  I can choose to sit in a corner and weep.  I can choose to remain in that corner for days, weeks, even if not literally.  My spirit sits crushed inside of me and I accept the victimization.  Well-intentioned people get hit with life and all that it has to offer.  I have watched some rise to the occasion and some fall to the wayside. 

In business, I have sat with executives who’ve lost everything.  I have cried with staff that I had to reduce.  I have packed boxes for companies that had to close.  I have been to the funerals of co-workers who died suddenly, leaving young families behind. 

Expectation setting is one of the hardest mechanisms against disappointment.  This is where the people component comes into play.  I know that I have disappointed others and I know I am not done disappointing.  It’s not that I intend to do so, but the expectations of others are not ones that I can control.  Some have expected me to fail, and I didn’t.  Some have expected me to soar, and I didn’t.  In both situations, disappointment was there.

Am I adding to that disappointment by fueling such expectations that others have for me?  Is it okay for me to address what I think others expect?  If you want to mitigate disappointment, then absolutely yes.  Walk into a team meeting and let others know what you’re sensing for expectations around a particular situation.  If they always think you’re to be the hero, is that fair?  Is that pressure yours to hold?  Aren’t you exhausted by all of the balls in the air?

Understand that the personal nature of some of this is very relevant in business.  We project personal feelings of disappointment on others.  When I work with a company that’s being sued by its own employees, it hurts.  There is no denying that, but does that business want to stay in business?  If so, then it cannot wallow in pity and despair.  Get up, understand that the expectations you had for that handful of employees was off, and work to make the company better today.  Direct your energies towards things that will give a return; don't settle for pure emotion. 

Listen, I am a crier (shocking to some, I know, but true).  I am a sucker for an emotionally charged commercial…where are the tissues?  My sensitive heart busts through my chest sometimes.  But that emotion may not be just about sappy sentiment, but also real disappointment and anger based on what I am seeing.  Previous experiences get brought to the surface based upon that movie, show or commercial.  I make connections in my mind.

These emotions and responses are mine to control.  Similarly, in work, I cannot expect a positive outcome if I project my disappointment on others. “Oh, if only so-and-so wasn’t here. It would so much easier to deal with work.”  Really?  Why give this person so much power in your life?  Why did you think you could expect a certain behavior from “so-and-so”?  Whose fault is that?

You should not desire to be a stumbling block to anyone, but know that it is likely to happen, as it has previously.  Intention is fine, but the reality as to how others respond cannot be overlooked.  Disappointment is going to happen.  It’s about how you will deal with it and what it does to your life.  Existing is no way to live.

Manage your expectations of others and know that there are certain things in life which are going to happen.  Death, taxes…and disappointment.  Rise above and use it to fuel health in all facets of your life.