Problem

Healing.  It’s a gift.  In my life, I have experienced mercy and grace which has allowed healing to take place, mostly in myself and in relationship to others.  The ability to offer such a gift to others has no monetary price tag, but I know it comes at a cost.

When I have given a road for healing to others, it’s not always what I might want to do.  I defer to being bitter, angry, vindictive or self-righteous.  It’s my nature, and I don’t think I am alone in that.  I have a right to be hurt.  That person was callous, egotistical or just plain wrong.  And now, the relationship is damaged.  This damaged relationship is now impacting situations, workflow or other relationships.  The impact of this problem is tension, a rift or brokenness and it is far-reaching and, for businesses, costly.

As the week’s events between SHRM and HRCI have unfolded, I kept coming back to this idea of healing.  HR professionals know that we are often (if not always) called upon to mend relationship and change the course of brokenness in the workplace.  We converse with the injured parties; we bring our affirming communicative skills to bear on the situation; we coach the parties to seek resolution.  We recognize that there really can be someone in the wrong, but that does not have to be where the situation ends.  Now that error is seen, what are we doing to mend it?  We push for repair and then growth to learn how to deal with similar facts in the future.

SHRM and HRCI feel a little like Mom and Dad fighting.  This week, I have felt like the kid from the marriage watching, listening and being heart-broken.  I love both of my parents.  I have demonstrated allegiance to both sides and expressed love equally.  Just as in most divorce situations, Mom and Dad’s individual needs and wants have evolved for some time.  Both sides are looking back and trying to pinpoint when the complimentary paths diverged.  And regardless of fault or blame, they are now dealing with the gap that has widened between them and their expectations of each other.

The kids in a divorce situation want to help.  They want things to go back to how they were.  They want healing.  For us, as HR professionals, we must not choose sides but appreciate each side independently of the other.  It’s not our job to fix their relationship; these two sides consist of big girls and boys who can and should find their way to common ground for the sake of the professionals they serve.  Just as kids often cannot fix mom and dad’s relationship, we find ourselves heartsick observers. 

What we can choose to do is be a conduit for healing as opportunity strikes.  Share with each side how we feel.  Maintain the integrity of our roles as HR professionals.  Continue to be proud of the growth and accomplishments we’ve achieved that both sides have afforded, whether PHR/SPHR/GPHR certification or volunteer leadership positions in SHRM.  We have been cared for by both organizations.  Let’s return that care back to the two sides that are in need now.

Again, healing is a gift.  It’s not a wussy, feel good sentiment, but a willful decision with measurable results.  That kind of decision ought to be the type that we’re already used to making as HR professionals.  Listen up, Kids! There's a problem. Mom and Dad need us now. 

Nasty

Often I walk into offices and am greeted by smiling people.  They are happy to see me.  They shake my hand heartily; some hug me as our relationship has been years in the making (don't worry, during work, it's an affirming side-hug that's HR-approved).  I am fortunate to know so many wonderful business friends and colleagues.  And yet, I was struck this week by the amount of time spent on relational issues.

At the workplace, I get to hear about how so-and-so told so-and-so about how such-and-such happened.  And from that, the hurt feelings, the anger, the retaliatory talk all began.  My opinion is then asked for in how to deal with it and how to make it so these types of incidents don't happen, or at least reduce in number. 

And so, I do some research into the company.  I look at how functions and processes flow.  I observe managerial interaction.  I look at how the executive team engages with all levels of employees.  And then I make some recommendations to better align or even fix some issues in process, procedure and/or organization.  And while I know those recommendations and action plans are used and appreciated.  There's often one item that I don't put on the list because it's too hard to manage.

We, as a people, struggle to be gracious.  I know, I know, we are the most generous country and help more countries than anywhere else.  I agree and there's no argument there.  We do know, to a degree, how good we have it.  However, those interactions are distant.  We can text our donation to the Red Cross and not have to engage any further.  It only cost us $10.

Graciousness is seen in action.  When it comes to an interaction with a co-worker, do you err on the side of grace in conversation?  Perhaps the person you are talking to is a dunderhead (tough word, I know) and it's all you can do not tell him/her so.  Count backwards from 10 and stay in the conversation.  Think of ways to help rather than tear apart.  Think about this: how can I impact this person for good today? If we're all about reacting and being nasty, what will that profit us?

More time, resources and money are spent on relational problems than any company would care to measure.  We should think like a business owner every day.  What will I do to make sure this company is moving forward and not mired in time wasting?  Extending grace to someone is not over-rated.  In fact, quite the opposite.  Consider the other person.  For as annoying as that person might be, think about what may have happened in that person's life for he/she to be this way.  I don't mean this judgmentally, but rather, compassionately.

If someone who was abused as a child is now defensive in most conversations, it is understandable.  If someone who had been stabbed in the back by a co-worker at a previous job keeps his/her guard up and won't engage with the rest of the team as desired, it's understandable.  Notice that I am using the word "understandable" rather than "excusable."  There will be reasons for these folks to move beyond the behavior they demonstrate or the language they use in order to contribute effectively in their role, but it's unlikely that those employees will be willing to do so without first being understood.

We might be too quick to jump on someone for something they say.  Please understand, again, that I do not find any inappropriate or conflict-starting verbiage or actions acceptable.  What I do know is that I would rather meet this person with grace to understand so that he/she would have the guard down to receive instruction and coaching.  I have had to train myself (not that I am a total expert by any means) to not assume the worst in conversations or to have my back up the moment a particular individual talks to me.  I realize this may be very tough for some, but it's something to examine.

Our time is valuable.  Our companies are trying to make money every day to keep the doors open and the lights on.  When we engage in marginal conflict with another employee, when we don't want to understand someone else, when we think we've arrived and everyone else has the problem, then we jeopardize the health of our company.

I do feel the need to mention, however, that if you are dealing with a co-worker who is clearly using offensive language or abusive engagement, then you ought to seek out your HR professional for assistance.  Something needs to be done about that.

So, the next time you feel tension coming on due to a co-worker's approach or due to something someone has said, breathe.  Count backwards and think big picture.  Offer grace and trust in the fact that the likelihood of repair and correction will come as a result of the initial reaction.  As Ms. Jackson says, "Nasty boys (and girls) don't do a thing for me."  Grace allows the attractiveness of relationship to be forged deeper and, in the business community, will allow for better investment of time, money and resources to move beyond the petty.

I Would Die 4 U

In high school, I had hair.  I did, honest.  It was very dark, thick and had a certain Italian swagger to it.  There were times it was long enough on top to pull down over one eye (OK, I didn't wear it like this, I just could pull it down over one eye, geez).  When I would do that in the middle of Biology class, my friends would tell me how much I looked like Prince.  Now, mind you, I have no musical ability (although I do love me some Karaoke), so it was just the appearance that won them over to the Prince comparison.  I had never thought about any similarity between me and Prince before this.  My friends were serious about it.  I believed them because they were my friends.

I trusted them.  The deposits they had made in my life had shown me when I could believe them and when they were just joking.  Those relationships are great.  The differences in trust and relationship in the workplace vary significantly as compared to high school.  I think many experts would speak to avoidance of becoming great friends with co-workers as there are too many work-related factors which could stretch and break those relationships.  If that occurs, then future work situations would be difficult and awkward.  I understand this.  An appropriate set of boundaries allows for right communication and expectation for the relationship.  When a boss and a subordinate worker become great friends, there is the potential for relational strain, when the boss has to correct or reprimand the employee, or for managerial stagnation, when due to the relationship the boss refrains from engaging with instruction, correction or reprimand, often leading to frustration on the part of the boss.

And yet, the past five years have seen a variety of books, studies and articles concerning trust in the workplace.  These writers and researchers talk about the positive effect of trust and its influence on the productivity of employees.  Again, the research is valid and is worth looking at.  There is a correlation between trust and success.  Where I think the issue lies is in the composition of what trust is.

As managers and supervisors may attest, very little development is done in regards to relationship building and integration in the workplace.  We tend to revert back to what it meant for us to build relationships in high school.  We converse with relaxed language, we "hang out" with these employees after work, we grab drinks, have a barbecue, play pranks on other employees, etc...We act like we did when we were in high school.  Too harsh?  Maybe, but time and again, I know I hear about the loose boundaries between senior leadership and employees in the small to medium-sized business sector.  Think about how much is spent on sexual harassment, retaliation and hostile work environment cases - some of these cases read like 10th grade drama.

So what tools will help to guide the correct approach to trust?  A few to consider:

• Choose a few to trust
• Provide for open communication to establish the relationship
• Find one peer to be accountable to
• Bridge actions and words so that consistency in relationship happens

The thoughts here are about thinking wisely.  It may be easy to start talking to someone to get to know them, but it's quite a different approach to do that while maintaining an approach with boundaries.  Some articles talk about open communication in terms of management explaining every situation to employees so that they feel involved.  Well, guess what?  Sometimes that is a terrible idea.  That doesn't mean that you don't trust those employees if you don't tell them everything; it means that there is an appropriate level of communication and should only be shared with the necessary personnel.  I understand that some of those articles mean well, but we should not think that our businesses need to be open books.  It's inappropriate and it's a different issue than trust; it's wisdom.

Accountability is another overused term.  "Let's make companies accountable" was a phrase often heard after the banking crisis of a few years ago.  What does that mean?  Is accountability telling everyone everything?  No.  It is finding one or two that you can brainstorm with, share difficulties, express concern over your skill set, ask for advice; it's not something to be done with everyone.  Some of the best leaders of some of the most successful companies had people in their trust circles like this.  They could tell them how badly they had screwed up and then be willing to report back to this person how they've made changes or corrections.  Accountability folks are in your corner, but they also will not just let you be wrong and get away with it.  They hold you to a high standard and want to see you succeed.

Consistency is a beautiful thing.  Employees will enjoy consistency in word and deed, to the point of deep trust and loyalty.  They will appreciate knowing where the "true north" is by watching the deeds and listening to the message of a consistent leadership.  There is an air of integrity connected to this message and employees appreciate it.

Many of these points are not what typically describe high school relationships.  We were inconsistent gossipers with only our own self-interests to preserve.  And when we did want to go deep, we were too deep.  We would tell friends we'd die for them, when we knew we never would, or we'd tell people we'd never tell their secret, when we knew full well that we couldn't wait for next period to tell a few.  Very self-serving.

Our corporate leadership ought not to engage in the same manner.  A company needs to have employees who can trust in their leadership, their company.  It is a big responsibility, but it's one that can be managed well and appropriately.  When companies do act in a manner that is self-serving to the leadership or to a few, it's divisive and leads to poor productivity and higher turnover - signs that trust is out of kilter in the organization.

So let's leave our high school relationship building behind, along with leggings, over-sized shirts that say, "Relax," polo shirts with the collars up (although, I still love this) and our raspberry berets.  Gotta love Prince.