The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Is it really?  I heard a woman severely curse off a Walmart Customer Service representative, while the woman’s 2 year-old child was in tow listening to every word.  I have had quite a few people tell me this is the worst time of year.  I have seen more than the usual amount of birds being flipped out of car windows on the highway.  And I have observed a toddler lose their mind on the streets of NYC because his mother wouldn’t buy him the toy he needed.  Ah, the holidays.

And when I walk through the halls of companies, I see employees devoid of emotion going through the task-management of the holiday season with no connection to one another or to the joy of the season.  I see managers with scowls, associates with the faintest hint of a fake smile and HR people stressed out of their minds due to W2’s, ACA 1095’s, compliance reporting, labor law updates, minimum wage changes and the list goes on.

Know what I say?  Enjoy the time.  Embrace the thrill of the season.  Go to a department store or mall and watch the little kids excitedly get on Santa’s lap.  Find those who have not yet been jaded by life and have learned to hate this time.  Change the vantage point you’re working from.

True followers of behavioral modification will tell you that change happens now.  Just make the change, that’s the easy part.  Stop with the frown and get on with the smile.  And yet, the trick in behavioral modification is sustainability.  What can be done to keep behavior changed?  How does the decision I’ve made today last longer than just today?

For all people, it comes down to the same decision being made every day.  Today may be the first day, but there are more days to consider and decide on.  I know for me that today has enough troubles of its own, so I don’t need to travel too far down the road of what might be in days to come.  Focus on today first.  What am I doing and why?

For those with real pain that seems to pierce the veil during the holiday season, I hear you.  Take courage because there are many in the same boat.  Find each other and decide to be a reason for joy for him/her.  Look for ways to serve others and watch how much the burden lifts from you.  It’s not idealistic; it’s psychological. 

My friend +Steve Browne often speaks of being positive in HR.  One of the best ways to do it is to foster deliberate and simple steps to think differently.  We don’t have to have our Master’s degrees or 300 letters after our names to be able to affect change in thought and dynamic.  We have to inspire others to make healthy decisions for themselves and, in turn, for the organization.  Our culture is impacted greatly by such an attitude in staff.

When I watch “Elf” each season, I am always struck by the forced conformity placed upon Buddy by his father and the world around him.  His overly enthusiastic self is asked to be buttoned down into a suit and tie.  He rebels, puts back on the elf suit and reconnects with Santa.  The rebellion is based upon a decision.  He decides to return to the positivity of what he knows.  We, too, have the choice to return to the positivity of what we know.  You're always going to have a new law to adhere to; we always do so don't stress.  Get the elf suit on and enjoy this time of year!

Apologize

Simple: When you do something wrong, say you’re sorry.  Whether that action was purposeful or accidental, a sincere apology should be offered to those affected by the action(s).  It’s very simple.  Yet, the truth is that it’s hard to do. 

We love to watch others mess up, though, don’t we?  We are outraged at public figures who make mistakes – small and large – and then have to apologize in public ways.  Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Michael Phelps, Ariana Grande, Charlie Sheen, Kanye West, Hope Solo, Mel Gibson, Michael Vick, etc. have all had to do it.  We hunker down to watch TMZ show us all of the dirt that lead to the apology and then listen to interviews of “professionals” who diagnose the apologies offered.  We are sick people.

On an individual basis, we don’t like being wrong.  Usually, it’s because we really don’t think we’re wrong.  We choose to put our efforts into defending our position, outlining the course of events that lead to the repercussions and to bringing up the twelve previous wrongs of the “offended” party.  We’d rather keep the truth of our wrongdoing to ourselves.

Consider this: How many people do you think do wrong things daily?  Even if 75% of those doing wrong do so on purpose, there are still 25% of those who’ve done wrong without intention.  Why should it be hard for 25% of the population to apologize when a mistake is made?  FYI – that would be about 1.75 billion people.  There would be media coverage and interviews due to the buzz of apology.

In our businesses, why is the act of apology disproportionate?  Specifically, why is it difficult to have senior leadership own their shortcomings?  News flash: There are qualified individuals in senior leadership roles who make mistakes.  Think about the first time you held a new position.  Not just with a new company, but the position itself was new to you.  You’d never been a manager before.  A director, a VP, or a CEO before.  It had to be the first time at some point.  Why would anyone think that someone in a new role would get it all right all of the time?  Apologies should be expected to come.

And pride?  Please.  You’re going to make mistakes.  Own them.  Your pride can handle it, and if you think it can’t, you shouldn’t be working where you work, or in the role you have…or with people.  Own it and say you’re sorry.  You cannot really think that you are the first to make an error, do you?  You think because you’re a CEO, you will damage your reputation or status as a leader by owning mistakes?  Think about what you’re doing to your reputation by not owning the mistakes you’ve made.  Everyone knows already; your screw-ups aren’t a secret.

The other side of the coin is not right either.  Don’t you know someone who often begins sentences with, “I’m sorry”?  Stop apologizing for so much.  When you say you’re sorry all of the time, it’s like crying wolf.  It loses its punch and sincerity.  What about when you really need to apologize?  Won’t it seem like every other sentence?

Offering the apology is appropriate when something was done wrong.  Offering the apology is appropriate when something was received wrongly.  Of course your intention is important, but it may not overshadow the way others took what you said/did.  The apology, too, does not negate the consequence that may come from your actions.  It does, however, set the tone for the consequence and it just might allow others to support you more willingly as you travel that road.

You may have noticed that the apology is one-sided.  Offering it does not mean the response you’d like will come.  You may apologize and that offended party may not forgive you.  That is not something you can fix.  The other party may need time, may need to work things out, may never come around.  That’s not your responsibility.  Yours is to genuinely say you’re sorry. 

Our staff and leadership need to know they can make mistakes, offer an apology, correct the errors and choose differently moving forward.  If the same errors keep happening, even though apologies are offered, it might not be the best role for the person.  Repetition is a great teacher both for the individual and the community.  Giving people room to learn means mistakes.  Giving people room to consistently repeat the same mistakes is foolishness. 

Again, saying your sorry is tough.  It’s uncomfortable and awkward.  It’s dynamically opposed to our natural inclination.  It’s a reminder to us that we’re not perfect.  Just remember that we’re all in the same boat.  That will help us to offer the apology from a right frame of reference…and maybe to receive it rightly, too. 

Waiting on the World to Change

Discipline.  Love it.  In the context of achieving a goal, it's fantastically needed.  To endeavor to lose weight, for example, requires discipline.  It requires commitment, determination and resolve.  I've been exercising forever.  My mom says that when I was a toddler, I used to watch a show, "Exercise with Gloria," on our local Philadelphia station and would imitate the aerobic and stretching moves.  I was committed to doing what she did - stance by stance, stretch by stretch.  As adults, when we watch someone exercise discipline towards such a health-related goal, we are inspired.

So why does the use of the word "discipline" have to change when applied to correction?  When I discipline one of my kids, which I hardly ever have to do because they rock (truth be told, they usually have to provide correction for their dad), I'd like to think I offer it as an encouragement towards excellence and validation of my commitment to their well-being.  Of course, the relational aspect helps to bridge these intentions.

In the workplace, can we provide a similar position in how we administer discipline?  Think about the goal of discipline at the workplace - it's to change behavior.  Let's do Psych 101, shall we?  Behavior modification is best achieved through a few steps at the workplace:

1. Define the problem for the employee and allow the employee to ask questions for understanding
2. Discuss practical ways to address the issue and allow for collaboration, when prudent, from the employee
3. Ensure the active behavior changes are both initiative and reactive in usage (What will I do differently? - initiative; How will I respond differently in the next similar situation? - reactive)
4. Hold the employee accountable for the agreed upon changes

Very simple and straight-forward, right?  Well, the list may be, but the implementation will take more effort.  For some of you, your companies already engage in this type of positive discipline, but for many, this represents a counter-culture method to the argumentative, vindictive or stoic nature of discipline currently in place.  We know that long-term behavioral changes come with deeper connectivity to the issue at hand and to the solutions that will affect the desired change.  Whether it's lateness or a problem with productivity, if we can provide discipline that outlines clearly the issue, the solution and the method to achieve it with collaborative understanding from the employee, it's a home run.

We get to be the ones who enact such change in approach to employee discipline.  Don't wait for your boss, your managers or the world, for that matter, to change first.  From a scientific and measurable way, we can show that approaching employee discipline from this angle will bring a marked difference.  Discipline is not a scary word or activity.  Now, strap on your Thigh Master while at work and get to it!  Get motivated to change employee discipline!