You Don't Own Me

It's not likely to be news that words have power.  They have power to alter behavior, influence change, lead a revolution and cause the deepest kinds of pain possible.  As professionals, we might forget that people still are impacted by words.  Perhaps we've taken to bending the truth in our conversations to either soften the blow or paint a better picture of things so that employees don't lose heart.  While there are a couple of studies that try to prove the value of lying, there are more that point to honest transparency as the beneficial route.  Whatever the reasons might be, our words matter.  

Have you seen the little girl telling her dad a lie about what happened to Barbie (and why?).  You must!  Amazing insight into our DNA.  We're not taught how to lie; it's a natural phenomenon for us.  We just do it in order to avoid trouble, deflect attention or save our skin.  Truth is easily replaced by a lie.  Consider the countless times people get pulled over.  Think everyone tells the cop the truth?  Or even playing the "I was speeding? I had no idea. Oh my gosh," when you know full well that you were flooring it.  Some of us give Oscar-worthy performances!

Fear is a huge motivator of our words.  What would it mean if an HR Manager said that he/she didn't know something that's HR related?  It shouldn't be a shock, but fear might stand in the way of that HR Manager being honest.  He/She might be afraid of looking weak or not-as-experienced as a supervisor would expect.  And so, if we are backed into a corner with our fear, we might lie.  We might say we know something.  We might say we have done a certain task.  We might offer perspective as if we've been there-done that.  All of it is dishonest.  And now those lies have to be built upon as time goes on.  Those lies own you.

Organizational health functions best in honesty.  When staff know that the words of the leaders are real, the response is genuine.  In late 2008, when the economy in the US fell due to the housing crisis, company leaders sat with their employees to let them know what was going on.  In some of those conversations, layoffs were presented as a viable option to save money.  The response from many employees was to keep everyone and just reduce every employee's hours.  They understood what was happening, why it was happening, and based upon the honest dialogue from leadership, volunteered a plan of action.  While the stress of the economics was real and cannot be denied, there was health in the approach to all get into the same boat and hold on.

It is important to note that no one is alone in this.  In some ways, we've helped create a culture of untruth.  Our fantasies are affirmed more than our realities.  We have allowed our leadership to be untrustworthy for a long while.  Just looking at our political landscape reflects such a position. Our role as management, as leaders, is to break the cycle.  I am not naive to think that this will mean open doors for everything with full disclosure.  Quite frankly, there are details that are not for the world to know.  This is not dishonest if it's shared just that way...."Here's what I can tell you and understand there are some parts that I cannot offer much detail due to (confidentiality, a matter of law, unsettled circumstances, etc.)"

We have one another to stand with in our doubt, in our lack of knowledge and in our fear. It's okay to not know something.  That's the beauty of asking our community, of attending seminars and workshops, of developing friendships with managers from other companies.  We can't know it all, and we have to be okay to say so.  Honestly, I know for myself and some others who've shared with superiors where our difficulties were, we were not fired.

Perhaps, you find this whole topic puzzling or amateur.  Fine, but the reality is that there is enough fear pushing a lack of truth in our workplaces.  If it's not you, it may be someone working for you.  Do our staff feel that they can say what they don't know without fear of reprisal?  Are they apt to lie?  How can we cultivate a different environment?

In HR, we see people lie often.  It's sad, but true.  We read resumes containing experiences that never occurred.  We hear from employees in a disciplinary situation covering their butts.  We hear executives tell us that everyone will keep their jobs as a result of a merger.  It is all around us.  We can push for a more honest culture by being an example first.

Caught Up

You know when you walk into your place and you see your significant other in a compromising position with your roommate.  And then you stop in your tracks with your jaw dropped until you see that one of them has gotten a bracelet caught in the sweater of the other.  And then you understand the context of the situation.  And it's not so bad.  That hasn't happened to you?  Well, you could just as easily find Three's Company on demand and watch any episode.

The specifics of the situation may change but the overall issue remains the same.  On Three's Company, the plotline was the same - some misunderstanding (usually of a sexual or relational nature), followed by a poor response, an awkward reveal of the truth, and then, reconciliation.  The core issue was mistrust, but the situations that revealed it changed.  

In our organizations, we might find ourselves facing the same circumstances.  There is a core issue at hand that seems to reveal itself in what appear to be unconnected situations.  In actuality, they are absolutely connected.  I recently was with some HR pros who were addressing an issue that had come up a few times previously.  The situation was presented newly, but the core issue remained the same.  And what we do in HR often does not push the envelope towards addressing the core issue.  HR tends to seek peace as its goal.  We'll just hurry up and find a quick solution to the situation, rather than the issue, and hope that it doesn't come up again or that the person who continues to pick at the issue leaves the organization.  This is not managing the situation effectively.

What we can do is take the posture of dialogue to reveal the core issue.  Allow the conversation to move beyond the buzz of cliched approaches with which we get caught up - we need to manage this change better, we need to assess our strengths so we know if we've got the right people on the bus, we need to have an outing so that we can unify our team.  Listen, those things can be great, but if the core issue is lack of trust, then none of those recommendations, along with a thousand others like it, won't work.  It will serve as confirmation, in some cases, as to why the mistrust is there.  Cliques, suspicion and faux-enthusiasm become obstacles heaped upon an already tough set of circumstances.

Consider sitting in a room and simply asking, "Who wants to be here?"  What if we start with that?  What if we push the conversation around why people don't want to be there?  In some cases, there's so much damage in the history book that someone might not be motivated to meet in the middle.  If that's the case, then an organization can just keep pouring good resources towards resolution that will never come.  If someone wants out, then sometimes that's the best answer.  There is not going to be a pretty bow around it and that person may not speak well of you or the organization upon departure.  Honestly, oh, well.  

Learn the lesson from that situation and understand that the core issue still needs to be addressed with those remaining.  Call it out.  Put it on the table.  Have an honest dialogue about it and understand that all parties might not see the same circumstance through the same lens.  Embrace it, as frustrating as it might be, and ask good questions as to how to handle the core issue.  It's not about dying on the hill of circumstances, but rather fighting to get back to giving others the benefit of the doubt.  As a team, we have to encourage that, but we have to do it from the core, not the surface.

Some of us need to wake up and take stock of the issues in our organizations.  Stop pretending they aren't there, that they'll go away or that it's someone else's problem.  Our job is to address and provide the forum for dialogue, healing and growth moving forward.  We lay out expectations on both sides for moving this forward.  We don't accept everyone's stubbornness; we don't bow to fear.  We don't allow one thing to be said in our meetings and then another to be said at the cubicles.  We push for honesty, grace and truth.  

Listen, I recognize how hard this can be in some of our companies.  I know that there is entrenched organizational un-health and the unwilling spirits of employees.  But, I also know that there will only be repeat episodes of Three's Company as long as nothing is done to get to the core issue.  And those episodes will play without a laugh track. 

Are You Gonna Go My Way?

Labeling is an easy skill for most of us.  Our minds have been trained to categorize and label people, things and places.  There are schemata filling the schema in our brains.  In other words, files filling file cabinets in our minds with connections and definitions.  It's why you might smell something, good or bad, and connect it to a memory, a place, a person or a time.  We label.

For those of you re-watching episodes on MeTV of "Happy Days" (or maybe watching them for the first time), you know that the coolest guy on the earth in the 1970's was Arthur Fonzarelli, aka Fonzie.  Initially labeled a juvenile delinquent, Fonzie rose to show a deeper character and a true coolness.  When an organization that worked with kids with who suffered serious abuse and were emotional stifled came to the attention of director Garry Marshall, he wanted Fonzie to alter the label of super-cool a bit.  When Fonzie cried in one episode, and those kids watched it, the result was an open door for that agency to help those kids.  They were ready to emote since Fonzie did.

The labeling takes over rather quickly, however.  We decide who is a jerk, who is nice, who is conceited, who is fake, who is a wimp.  We connect people into categories and then treat the group in that category in the same manner.  We respond singularly, for example, to someone who is mean.  For some of us, we retreat from such a person.  For others, we look to engage and rip apart that person.  It's a sport - the art of the run and the art of the fight.  We all travel the scale and, for some of us, we have to manage people on the same scale.

Our involvement in the label movement is an everyday contribution.  When we treat our employees in a responsive manner rather than at the level we want them to operate, we display our commitment to the label rather than the person.  To be sure, there are jerks.  Of course, those jerks might not be long for their employment.  Yet, even if they are  to be with you for a short time, let's engage them in a way that calls them to greatness rather than meets them in their jerkiness.

As you think about how you're reacting, consider these thoughts:

• Check your tone - are you sharper with a particular person than others?  Is your label of that person the reason for the difficulty in communication?
• Re-read emails before you send them - when tone is hard to know, as it is in emails, it means that a bit more time should be spent re-reading prior to send.  You may be giving shade, even unintentionally, by doors you've left open for interpretation of words (and, yes, I said "shade").
• Examine distribution of work  - are you sharing types of work as well as the amount of work equally, based upon skill sets alone?  Or are you giving the crappy work only to the employee you've labeled negatively?
• Rotate opportunities to lead - Allow staff to take turns leading various meetings, training sessions or projects.  By rotating the team leader, you are sure that you're negative slant towards someone isn't getting in the way of job expectations and opportunities.

If you're thinking, "I would never let So-And-So lead a meeting or be in charge of a specific type of work", that's fine.  I would just ask back, "Well, then, why is he/she still working at the company?"  If the basis work of work isn't being met that you've uniformly given, then the employment of that person should end.  The work is the reason a person is hired.  

Bear in mind, too, that people might just sometimes surprise you.  The jerk could let his/her guard down and show you how wonderful he/she is.  The wimp might find his/her courage due to the way you're running the department.  The fake might become the most authentic person on your team as he/she learns that skill sets and work product matter more than the facade portrayed.  If Fonzie can cry, then any of these changes could happen. Heyyyyy...

Piece By Piece

Recognition has become a discipline within HR.  It is the art of providing or delivering attention to someone for a particular accomplishment.  It could be about the achievement of a specific goal or to mark a milestone within the organization.  It is valuable and provides proof that the company sees what its employees are doing and, sometimes, for the way in which those actions benefit the organization.

Of course, if someone works on a project for six months and it turns out great, it's very nice to be recognized for having finished the work well.  There is a benefit to those who see how the achievement of their work matters.  Connectivity is very important and it allows the performer to see how action produces real results, per person, piece by piece.  All of the cogs on the wheel are fantastically connected.  It's a great picture and the recognition factor drives it home.

Is that it?  

Long are the conversations regarding felt needs and reward.  Do we merely offer a plaque, a gift card, a weekend away and check off the box of recognition?  When dealing with real people with real baggage and real emotion living real lives, providing inauthentic trinkets may not pack the punch hoped for by the organization.  And what can often happen is that companies become bitter towards recognition because they sense an ungrateful response by employees.  What was meant to be a motivator becomes an open sore of tension pushing division.

As practical as we ought to be in HR (don't get me started on the value of business acumen and metrics, people!), we cannot swing the pendulum so far that we forget the people we are trying to serve.  Consider the concept of restorative recognition.  This is the kind of recognition that knows where people are, what makes them tick, what their circumstances are and then rewards them in the context of a real situation.  The deficiencies in their lives may not all be met, but we're providing appropriate levels of engaged recognition that we know will touch upon it.

The Make a Wish Foundation is magical because for years it has provided terminally ill children with the opportunity to have their greatest wish granted.  From going to a prom to meeting the President to being Batman for a day, the stories have touched the hearts of those precious children, of their parents and families and of the millions who watch the stories unfold.  It affects the heart.  

An employee who is struggling to pay for a child's college education is a real need.  We can know that.  Handing that employee a gift card for Macy's as a reward for an achieved goal or milestone is not going to solve the need of paying for college.  Nor is the point to give them $5000 as the reward in order to meet that need.  Think.  Be creative.  What would it mean to that employee to be recognized for the work he/she did that met the criteria for reward by handing him/her proof of monies being deposited into his/her child's college campus account for textbook purchases or towards the meal plan?  It's thoughtful.  It's given in light of knowing your employees.  It's an absolute way of endearing employees to the organization even more.

Think I'm crazy?  Get in line.  The point is that we can know these things about our staff and make a choice to recognize in restorative ways.  People carry around burdens and dreams.  Practically, we can't grant wishes all day, nor do we have the budget to do so.  Yet, we can use our imaginations and creativity to do something more than rummaging through a drawer in our office to find an Amazon gift card for a giveaway.

How many of your staff didn't get to go on a honeymoon?  How many haven't been able to take their spouse out due to a lack of affordable child care?  How many dreamed to be a professional baseball player?  How many trained as a dancer all throughout their childhood and have no opportunity to fit it into life now?  Now, be creative.  Work with a vendor partner to secure a weekend or an overnight to a bed and breakfast.  Work with a local certified and approved child care service provider for one night of child care (and throw an Uber and dinner in).  Get tickets to a baseball game and work with the event staff to throw some confetti on the employee to celebrate the Home Run Hitter he/she is at work.  Provide a six-week dance class to the employee that can happen after work in an open space right in the building.

These aren't all of the solutions.  They may be none in your particular case, but the point is that restorative recognition goes a long way to show that our involvement is thoughtful and done as a result of knowing our people.  As said earlier, connectivity is very important and it allows the performer to see how action produces real results, per person, piece by piece.  By doing this in a tailored manner, we cut to the soul of our people as well as of ourselves.  As a blubberer myself, I can tell you that when we're this thoughtful, people are moved and the tears flow.  

Get those creative juices flowing and know that people need more than a crystal pyramid with their name engraved.  That isn't likely to hit them deeply, but tickets to a concert of the one performer they've never had the chance to see before will.  Because you took the time to know them.  Because the company is invested in its employees.  Because we're building community.

Hungry Heart

Wandering happens.  People find that what once satisfied, no longer does.  Marriages have broken up, families have been fractured, jobs have been left because of it, hobbies lay in corners of basements or garages all over this country because of it.  We get bored and our eyes begin to look for the next biggest, baddest, best option.

When The First Wives' Club started, the divorcees had all experienced a cheating spouse.  A spouse who found "happiness" in the arms of another (younger) woman.  The spark of attraction that originally came from the first wife was replaced with bland familiarity, boredom and predictability.  Of course what follows is hilarity, a song and dance number and domestic earnings of over $100 million (and counting).  In the movies, this is an "of course"; in our real lives, the song and dance is not usually found.

The struggle to find connection pulls at the heart of any relationship, whether person to person or person to purpose.  Brokenness and disconnect make other options seem more appealing.  There is a longing for something so much more than what someone is living.  And knowing this is a tendency for many of us, what do we do about it?  If we serve in a position of influence, however small, what kind of difference can we make?

A job becomes stale and predictable, just as a relationship does, when there is no encouragement towards or opportunity for creativity.  The imaginative spark has been studied for decades, particularly in its symbiotic nature with organizational change.  Creativity pushes boundaries and considers what might be.  Think about how your organization would benefit from such a posture.  Wouldn't the organization change as a result?  Perhaps it's the development of a new product or process.  Perhaps the method of delivery is improved or completely made over.  In some measurable way, the creative outlets for staff will drive organizational change.

Think about the correlation to relationships.  Wouldn't approaching a date with enthusiastic creativity likely make the date memorable?  If it's just dinner, again, where is the imagination?  So many of my friends do "date night" once a month with their spouses.  It's often just dinner.  Yawn.  It's no wonder that the time that's meant for connection becomes time spent looking at your iPhone to see what time it is.  Oh, when do we have to leave to get the kids?  

Stagnant relationships at work function in the same manner.  How do your staff relate to what their doing?  Do they own it?  Do they have an opportunity to enlarge their roles?  Bring your team together to see how this can happen.  Collaboration, also, fights against the restlessness of the role.  Working together and corporately setting goals for engagement and impact take the wandering eye off of what might be and focus it on what is and will be.  High functioning teams are not buzzworthy for the latest SHRM Conference; they have merit because the stats back it up.  Sales training, like Sandler, spend a full day on these merits and outcomes.  Jacob Morgan wrote a killer article on collaboration in Forbes a few years ago where he points out the heightened functionality that collaboration gives to the individual contributor, even when there are team or corporate benefits as well.  

An individual who is creative and collaborative has too much going on to wander.  He/She sees a place for contribution, impact and recognition.  The temptress walking by (whether a job posting, a call surveying interest to jump ship, etc.) isn't as appealing.  A deep connection to the work being done at the organization will keep people there.  The retention rate moves up, knowledge management can actually happen and succession planning becomes succession actuality.  The hunger for more is met with real opportunity from and with the same company.

As people who get to encourage our teams, it's important that we remember our relationships need vibrancy.  Our connection to the work, to the mission, to purpose have to be encouraged and kept fresh.  The lax that leads to a wandering heart will cost our companies money and time and resources.  Our staff will not be firing on all cylinders.  Stir the fire of creativity and spark collaboration.  And you'll satisfy the hunger.